xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
