I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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