I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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