He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
