I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize