I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
