Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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