My sheets look like a crime scene.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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