wrigley field is MILF paradise
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
