If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
