you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
