The maid of honor just puked.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
