wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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