I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
