He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
