I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
