Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Randomize
