sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
