My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
