That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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