im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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