I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
