i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
