He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
