i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
