I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize