roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
