if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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