Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
