I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
