Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
