the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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