I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
