matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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