Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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