Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
