If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
