I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
