i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
