I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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