Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
