Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
