D3 body, D1 cock
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize