Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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