Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
