I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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