My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize