sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
