why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize