Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
