Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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