this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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