Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
