Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
