Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fuck appropriateness.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
