shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
