May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize