dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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