Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
