I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
