Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
