i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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