Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
