Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
