Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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