I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
