All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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